I pray that one day – the hurt will stop.
Long ago, sloshing ’round the grains of a Michigan basement, laying upon the collected slop of a kitchen sink’s leaky pipe; I cared nothing ’bout squirming among the creatures born therein. An act of unconditional love, anchored in a growing faith never known – and have grown; because.
I hadn’t thought I’d be here now, nor there then; where wandering thoughts of what a new swing set might look like and where I might put it; for the grand kids – those not only of my own, but of my stepdaughters as well.
It played on my mind always – the wonder of a time where her children, as my own, celebrated birthdays and holidays with their own; where my love for they and our blessed family would find the peace of God and a future captured in the heart’s whisper of the Holy Spirit.
So it goes.
It’s about Seasons, really. I began this Journal page with the idea that I’d use it as a place to keep my thoughts in check and to bring a little of me; to you.
That’s not working out so well. I write in a Journal on a daily basis, yet those dribbling emotions will never see the light of day. Perhaps to spare you and yours from regurgitated Facebook posts of which you either paused or passed upon. No worries – I do the same with yours.
So be it.
Stay tuned, if you wish – more will come.
I decided that I’d had enough of the sun while working in the yard. I thought about jumping on the tractor and mowing the lawn, however, going inside to cool off just a little brought my eyes upon a fishing pole, and a curiosity as to the floatability of the paddle boat that was left aside the pond; a decade past.
So be it.
I had decent luck with the pan fish caught and released last year, however, this day was non-productive. I kept trying, and I wasn’t in the mood to care; content with just hanging out with my bad-self on a powder- blue paddle boat. It is the way of things.
So be it.
I am a boy; and I explore as boys do. I care nothing of things stuck between my toes, mosquitoes, or how far I might sink into the mucky bottom of any body of water. Since I wasn’t catching anything at all, I let the cycling paddle of my little craft take me where ever.
So be it.
I ventured under some trees and was greeted by what I think was a Green Heron. I am still not convinced of what I saw…but I will remember the moment.
There were a few of them flying and lighting around, and I relished the time I had with them. What struck me the most about them was the brilliant Orange/Red color of their legs and feet. The picture doesn’t capture their neon brilliance.
So be it.
I moved on – paddling my happy-ass back out into the pond wondering why I can’t seem to get the results I had last year, until I changed bait.
Nearly every cast was worth, “This is my last cast, I need to work tomorrow.”
As the Large Mouth Bass goes, they were small, however, the capture; whether they or I, was worth the time spent remembering yesterday and forgetting tomorrow.
Life is fishing.
Try a new approach.
Nibbles mean everything;
– don’t try to set the hook early.
I miss you dad.
A lot sure has happened since the last time I made an effort to write something here. Summer came to a close and winter really never showed up until recently. I still battle some of the things that I’ve let haunt me, yet things are getting a little better. I’ve had to distance myself from some people out of self defense.
The weekend before last was interesting – having to deal with skunks living in the crawl space below the house. The Wild Life Removal company has already removed one of them with a live trap, there is another one still taking up residence beneath me. They got into the space by gnawing and clawing their way through a wooden panel that covered a space that used to hold a window. It was on a side of the house that is outside of my routine so I never noticed it. It’s bitterly cold right now, so I doubt that the remaining skunk will be wandering outside any time soon. The trap is still there, but until the weather breaks a little and it warms up – I doubt I’ll see or smell it for awhile.
I’m working on a new laptop – the one I bought in 2008 kept shutting down, and it became difficult to trust it to stay on long enough for me to get anything meaningful accomplished. This new computer is a laptop/tablet combination from Toshiba; the Satellite Radius. I have a lot to get used to, as the new OS is Windows 10. The Office package is Office 365, which should be easy to work around, as my employer recently switched to the same platform.
There is a lot to get done today. I hope to spend most of the day working from home. I need to submit my 2016 Performance Goals to my manager, as well as create the beginning of a recovery plan for a customer. I’m hoping the portal to submit the goals is working okay. This is the first time with this company that I’ve entered goals at the beginning of the year. I started in April, and clunked my way through the mid and end-cycle submissions.
Not much else to tell really. I’m still single and really have no inclination to change that. I’m not sure that I’m ready for it, however, what I HAVE to do is keep it cool and slow. We hang out, we go out on dates, we share fun times, and console through the hard ones. It is hard being alone all the time, but it’s harder to keep pushing people away and self-destructing a relationship.
I know it’ll take time, and I’m not going to rush anything. For now, I’m just going to get through Winter and worry about what happens tomorrow, when tomorrow gets here.
Do I have them?
Even though I say I don’t, am I in denial?
Nope. I have no regrets.
Few people understand what I struggle with, and at the altar today, I was blessed with the voice of my Pastor; his hand on my shoulder praying that I would find a place to let go of regret.
But, I don’t have regret Father. I am tired of memories floating around in my head. Random triggers that launch me backwards to a time where I loved unconditionally. Where I learned of you Father – where I came to know an intimate relationship with you and what it meant to you, for me to be a man.
Yet – treated as a boyfriend.
Make the vow in your heart and before God, take the vow in public, and live the vow in private.
I will never regret my actions, or how they might have changed the hurt, if I had. I have limited tools and my iron is in need of sharpening. I have no thoughts that I control what lies ahead for me. I do what I do when I do it, with what I have in my heart at the time.
The expectation of trust in another is tiring and has brought more heartache to this soul than I care to bear any longer. I am me. I will continue to be me…and if you get to know me you’ll have broken through a wall that has been rebuilt many times. I’m tired of building – I want to live.
If that means I do it alone; so be it.
Sure has been a while since I’ve bothered to write something in my journal. A lot has happened since my last entry, not only emotionally, but physically and geographically as well. A new job, in the same profession, had given me an opportunity to not only move closer to home, but has provided a sense of permanence; something I haven’t felt in several years. I am blessed with a really cool house that isn’t far from work and has a pond with fish, as well as providing a very short walk to a large inland lake that empties into Lake Michigan. When I don’t feel like going anywhere, I am further blessed with an inground pool in the back yard and a lot of privacy. It has been many years since I’ve been as dark as I am now. It has been a beautiful summer in West Michigan.
The only thing that has stayed the same is feeling a little lonely at times, and having a very difficult time with trust and a sense of security in a relationship. It’s to the point that when I am interested or curious about someone and I get to know them, something happens inside and I destroy the relationship. For whatever reason – I self-destruct. It has taken the potential loss of a friendship and the hurt feelings of another for me to finally get a grip on what’s really going on with me.
I have a wandering mind and I project my feelings for another into how they should be interacting with me. When that doesn’t happen in the manner that I imagine, I become suspicious to a fault and trust drives the bus over any potential relationship.
Boundaries. I have read the book before, however, I am now reading it with a focus on what happens when I try and set them; guilt. The fear of losing someone’s love and attention, whether by hurting their feelings or causing them to react negatively towards me…which just speeds up the bus. As I wander through this book and discuss things with my counselor, I am terrified to begin setting my boundaries in fear of being even more lonely. This is something I do to myself – the wandering mind – not reality. It is because of how I was raised and the events that influenced me at a very young age.
I will work through this and will be a better man for it. God is with me – always, and I will give my fears to Him and allow myself the chance to just be free and to live in His light.
A few weeks ago, at the behest of a young, beautiful and talented friend of mine, I went to see a movie. Doesn’t seem like a big deal, so why write about it? Well, you see, going anywhere by myself is a difficult thing for me to do, especially public venues, such as concerts, restaurants, community events, and movie theaters.
I made up my mind to see this movie on a Thursday night. I sat in the middle of a local restaurant, by myself after work, eating dinner before going up the street to the theater. It was uncomfortable, but I pushed through it. The cedar salmon dinner was incredible and a couple of drinks later, I was good for what was next.
Now, mind you, the only thing I’d heard about this movie was that the story began in a book, and I believe turned into a stage production. It turns out the movie is about a few different stories we’ve all heard as children, centered around a central plot which was well executed. The movie was a musical and the performers were amazing to watch.
I’m in the parking lot a little earlier than I had wanted, but I was beginning to get a little uncomfortable at the restaurant so I left for something to do as well as a change of scenery. There aren’t many vehicles around me so my choice of a weeknight show seems to have played in my favor.
I walked up to the counter and bought my ticket for the show and grabbed some popcorn and a coke. Anxiously wandering down the hall, marking my trail with popcorn droppings from an overfilled bag, I opened the door to the theater and walked inside. There was no one there! How delightful for me! Would I get to watch this movie alone? What a dream that would be! The ads are running on the screen, and since I am a sit in the back movie goer, I sat around the corner of the entrance, back up against the wall. Perfect! No one can see me! Ha ha ha.
So, as I’m working at my popcorn and sipping my coke, people do begin to trickle in. One by one the theater fills up with around 40 people or so. Not too bad. They were all spread around in groups and they were all female! They were all less than 25 years old! So here I am in the shadowy corner at the back of the theater and I’m nearly twice their age! I’m the creepy, old guy at the theater!
But that was just in my head. The movie was amazing and it felt really good to have actually done something! As I cleaned the snow off of the truck, I wondered how much more comfortable I’d be if I just got out of the house more? That was about three weeks ago and I haven’t gone anywhere since. Sigh…