A white plastic fork on a
white paper napkin, set
upon a white table next
to a white paper plate
mashed potato backdrop
beans of vivid green
meat vomits greasy blood
prune juice vibes the sphincter
Falling upon this white floor
in this white room, bound around me
its silver eyelets and buckles
their coldness against my skin
pathetic dead rainbow, oozing
across the white paper plate, on
the white table, and the white plastic
fork lay straight on the white napkin
one, two, three, four, five….J U M P !
on these walls I throw my body
in eager anticipation of pain; all day
every day, harder, faster –
twisting and contorting
hoping to land a configuration that
might allow the pain to sooth my soul
it is not there. It does not happen
wholeness of pain, in
this heart castrates my soul
panic and anxiety throw up
in my mouth.
Confusion – mass chaos – delirium –
all that went wrong, thoughts
that shouldn’t have been
hate wells inside
Running across the bright, white, sickening
room with all its padded quietness, its
featureless walls save for a slot from which the
rainbow on a cloud comes each day times three
JUMP! as always – nothing!
left to right, right to left; JUMP!
diagonal left, diagonal right; JUMP!
endless slamming against walls
Why can’t I hurt myself-
so as to have some control over something inside of me?
So many days, so many long, lonely nights living inside
of this pain that bears no reason.
Running in mindless circles around my white place;
four, five…and — JUMP!!!!!
My reality. It is here.
My six sided world of padded white heaven,
fraught with unbearable pain,
was reduced to five sides, this day
Dark, mysterious world of which I returned to,
a place where there is no pain
It is a familiar world, of my design, to be safe and happy within.
No one can see me,
no one knows I’m here.
No one gets to know me,
and no one can hurt me.
For they know — these mysteries;
these unseen goddesses and gods
traveling across infinity upon unseen rays of light
they know who you are to me.
You are one of these mysteries of my reality.
The reason I live. The reason I never get sick.
The reason my family is healthy.
You are the unseen force inside of me.